Sooo…. Here’s the thing....
I do not enjoy or like talking about the depression I have
experienced in my life, or that fact that I have tried to kill myself. Depression and suicide are not simple and
easy topics for me to discuss openly, and I still worry about being judged. Also,
I usually do not put up blog posts within days of each other. However, something happened recently. The same sort of thing happened that caused
me to write my first post on depression.
A few days ago, a sweet person I know (pseudo) named Damon
had a meal with my husband and I. During that meal we discussed our struggles
with depression. Damon discussed his
recent bout with seasonal depression. My
husband (who gave me the okay to write about this) discussed being the first
person in his family to openly talk about having and dealing with
depression. I discussed having
depression for about fourteen years, and the coping techniques I have learned
along the way.
I told my husband I wanted to re-post the entry I had
written. He responded with, “You should
write a new one.” I am writing a new
one. I am not writing it because I
particularly want to. I am writing a new
post because for some strange reason God has spared my life. The love of God has overcome what should have
been my death. To not be thankful for
the re-gift of my life and to choose not to share my experience would be
selfish.
My first post on depression was in October of last year. In my first post I mentioned a few things I
do to deal with my depression. I
mentioned that I: 1) admit that I have a problem, 2) accept help and 3)
understand that I cannot do this alone.
After the conversation with Damon, I wanted to write about other things
that I have done throughout my journey with depression*. Writing this now is hard for me, but whatever... okay.... just go......
First, I have made it through the darkness and come out alive. The darkest day of my life was the day where
I honestly believed that death and nothingness would be better than
living. The weeks that followed my
suicide attempt totally sucked. I was
eighteen, scared, alone and terribly sad.
That was almost ten years ago. I
made it. I overcame my darkest day, and
I know throughout the depths of my soul that I can always keep going. That is how we get through life – the only
way – we just keep going.
Second, our society can kind of suck at finding fast help for people with
depression – but good help is out there if you look. A few months ago (before we were married) my
husband was looking for a mental health counselor. He was not suicidal, but just needed
help. We had to call the insurance company
once to get a list of covered counselors.
When that list of six didn’t answer, didn’t call back or had no
appointments – we had to call the insurance company back to get a second list
of people to call. After we got through
the second list a nice guy answered and said he could help. I would say this experience was an anomaly,
but I have been around the depression block and a lag time in finding care
seems to be standard. The good news is,
every time I have sought out help – I have found it. I have never reached out for help and had my
hand slapped. Help is there. If you need it, you can find it.
Third, it is okay and necessary to reach out to ask for help, but you
cannot expect that the person that reaches back can make decisions for your
life. I once saw a counselor when I was
feeling suicidal. Half-way though our
session the counselor stopped me mid-sentence to say “You can do this. You have the power not to hurt yourself. No one else can do this for you. Only you.”
Until someone said those words to me, I had never thought them. I never realized that I did not have to be a victim,
I have power over myself and my thinking, and I have the power to make good decisions
for myself.
Forth, it is so important to have a good support network. I wrote about this one before – but it has
been my saving grace. I believe that we
experience God through other people, and when I have been down and dumpy –
people have been there to help. Finding
a good support network has taken me some time and effort. Case in point… I use to be (emphasis on use to
be) friends with a married couple, where the husband was an aspiring counselor
who had never experienced mental illness a day in his life. Now, I am not saying you need to experience
an illness to have sympathy for a person.
But I was talking to the couple about my experience with mental illness and
the husband proceeded to dump words and phrases on me that were ignorant,
alienating, and altogether just plain shitty.
From that experience, I learned to create a good support network. I learned the value in picking good
friends. I also learned the value in
getting rid of not-so-good friends.
Fifth, it is important to do things for yourself. After a first counseling session, I once had
a counselor say to me, “And what are you doing to feed your soul?” I was so dumbfounded by the question that I
became offended. That following week I
couldn’t get the question out of my head, and I quickly realized… I was doing
nothing to feed my soul. I was doing
nothing for myself. So I made a list of
stuff I wanted to do, and I started doing it.
I started baking, I started going to church, I started taking walks, I
started a little blog. Doing things for
myself has helped me find value in the person God created me to be. I don’t need to be better than anyone else,
because there are tons of people that are better than me at everything. I don’t need to be perfect, because that is
impossible. All I need to do is be
myself, and feed the gifts God has given to me.
Sixth, I accept the fact that I do not have it all figured out. I don’t know everything. I never will know everything. I have issues that come up all the time. When they come up, I just go through it and
figure it out. I also accept the fact
that change happens in a zigzag. Every
time I have wanted to change a habit, I start off great – then fall back – then
get a bit better – then fall back – then do more – then fall back. Making big changes in my life has rarely
happened over night, and sometimes I do okay – then fail. And whatever, that is okay. I just keep moving.
Seventh - last - perfectly ... it must be said that.... you are loved. You are loved beyond measure, despite what any person has ever told you. Despite your faults, your sins, your past or your pain - God loves you. God will always love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will destroy that. The love of God is stronger than anything we can ever imagine or dream.
· * This post is about I did and what I have done to
cope with my depression. I am not a counselor
or therapist. I do not have formal
training on depression. If you have
depression or a mental illness, I recommend seeing a trained professional
first. I hope that if you need help with
depression, you use my words as a voice of someone who has found coping
techniques to deal with a tough issue.
Do not use my words as your exclusive medical advice.
